Amabel Rose

well sleeping isnt going so well again. I dont get much of it and when i do i keep having more dreams about bill. fuck! I'm back on Valium.

I keep having these intensely weird dreams about Billy. The first one went like this:
So Bill was this really amazing gold sculptor and he was on this show that was sort of like who want to be a millionaire but it was like an interview for some sort of grant so the could do want he loved. Sculpting gold into beautiful things. Everyone in the crowd was in love with him they where chanting his name " Billy! Billy! Billy!" and he had this huge smile on his face with was also masking his shyness/ embarrassment about the whole thing.
I was in my mom and dad's room back in Lismore and we were watching him on TV. It was like I had just walked on to the room though. I didn't even notice that he was on TV and I didn't even know anything about what he was doing. Mom and dad did though and they were so proud of his. Mom had melted down every piece of gold that she owned to give to him. She showed me. It wasn't very much but it was all that she could do to help him.
I don't remember much after that but I remember wandering around the streets trying to do something to help him know that I knew about his passion, but nothing much really happened.
And the second dream went like this:
I was back in High school. Billy was dead. And every where that I went Just reminded me about Bill and I just cried every time I went somewhere. I was trying to go to classes and do activities but it just wasn't working in the end I became hysterical and I just crawled into a ball and cried so hard. The world became a blur.

I went for a walk the other day and I went to the beach I stood in the sea crying and screaming out his name at the top of my lungs. I can't let his go. I just don't know how!

It's hard remembering very day. I loved Billy so much. Our birthday is coming up the week after next. This is going to be the first birthday in 19 years that I haven't shared it with him. That's it's going to be only my birthday doesn't seem right. I'll be 20 and he wont be alive. Everyday when I remember I get really angry. Not angry at him. Not at myself and not at anyone in particular. I just feel angry at the situation. Imiss him more than I could have ever thought possible. I doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel fair. I just want him back. I need him back. I know I can never have him back, that I can never see him again. Laugh at one of his silly jokes and feel like he is the funniest guy I know. I know on our birthday it will all come crashing down around me. I will break and I'm so scared that nothing will be able to bring me back from that. I don't want to loose myself like he did. Too many poeple depend on me to be there at the end of the day. I feel like I can't depend of anyone anymore. I know I will break ... and I'm so scared!

Later days Amabel

Work is fun and all but at the end of the night I kinda wonder to myself is it even worth it. I work my ass off and I really wonder if I will ever see the benefits from it. This all sound so silly whilst I'm writing it. I've only bee there a year and I'm not going to go from a trainee to a manager over night. I guess I just hope that I don't end up as one of those people who hates their job and their lives all because they never end up with a promotion.
I'm not a very patient person. I know that. I want something and I want it now. Like if I don't get it now I'll never have it.
At what point is it too late?

Later days Amabel

I think that I'm finally starting to realize what has actually happened. Like actually! Billy is gone. Forever!

Okay so admittedly I had another "episode" this evening. It wasn't triggered, it wasn't built up it just kinda happened. It stopped just as quickly as it happened. Which was weird also.
I felt a little blue this morning but that was probably mostly because I was really tired. I had a really good night sleep <got woken up a little earlier than I would have liked> But I guess it is the medication that they have me on.
I also broke out in a really weird rash today. It started just on my belly at about 4. Kinda stingy. Then by 10 it spread the whole way around my back and a little more stingy. I'll go to the chemist tomorrow if I still have it. I think it might be a new body spray that I got this week. but I'll see.
I showered in the dark. It's kind of scary but I feel compelled to. I miss Billy so much! I LOVE YOU!

Later days Amabel

Just a quick note in the middle of dinner.
...I'm doing okay!

Later days Amabel

This song seems to make me calm. Thom has such a relaxing voice. I found a creative spark again. I'm making a really cute vest jacket thing. I haven't decided yet if it is going to have lace features or bunneh ears... maybe it should have both. YAY for the spotlight $2 table! Well gotta buzz. Off to my second home. Working with Kerry and Tonya tonight YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Later days Amabel

I love being back at work. Everyone I work with is so fun and up beat it is easy to be happy and upbeat with them. There are a few things that don't work out so well though. Like the fact that I see the work Bill seventy million times a day. I actually wrote it today and I sort of had a moment. Also the alone parts. walking down to the store rooms or my breaks. And I don't start work until about three so I'm alone all day. work at night and I don't really get to see Brendan and my friends much.
Things are going okay though. I had a break down last night after I left work. In my car. Someone in another restaurant saw me and told someone from my restaurant so Kerry (my awesome manager) came, apparently running, out to see how I was. I didn't really want to talk about it. So she got me out of the car gave me a big bear hug and settled me down so I could drive home.
I start therapy this week. I'm kind of scared. I don't want to talk about it. Probably because I don't really want to deal with it. I don't want to admit it! because then it becomes real and then he is really gone and I simply and selfishly don't want him to be gone. I wish I could have helped

...... Amabel

Had a really great weekend.

FRIDAY           Lesley, Olivia Grace and I went to Sea World and had such a good day. Long... and tiring but fun. Olivia is so cute she has a ball. We saw the Elmo show, Seal show, Dolphin show and  the really trippy 4D show. Saw the penguines, Sharks and Polar bears. It was awesome. We met up with mom and dad afterwards and all had some din dins.

SATURDAY   <at mom and dads> Picked up my dinning room suite. YAY ^_^ Went to some craft market and I got these really cute crochet butterfly broaches. Then help my aunt spent $2000 on a new LCD and DVD recorder. Then set it up >.< LOL I saw my cousins though Brooke, Jake and Charlize. They are really cool and are growing up so fast. Brooke's turning out to be this stunning supermodel girl. So beautiful!

SUNDAY        I saw another cousin, Simon, whom I haven't seen in a while. He's a magician who lives in Japan. <makes good money!> Him and his wife just found out they are having a baby so everyone is getting out the knitting needles! The women in my family are funny... no that I'm any different. <giggles> Sunday was good too because I go to see Brendan again. He's my glue. We invaded his mom's abandoned house and took a nice hot spa and snuggled up on her awesome couch and watched Star Trek..... <lowers head> " yes, yes I know I'm a trekkie now... I can't help it I was pulled in. We are Star Trek. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile!" *_*

TODAY            We went and bought some computer desks today. They look really nice and they look like they take up less space. They actually don't. But they look like they do. Because they look neat! It was also my first day back at work today. It was good. Monday so is was good to kinda ease back into it. It was a good shift. Besides this stupid room service people who complained that there steak was over cooked and refused to pay for there bill. Not just the steak but the whole thing... including drinks. So they ended up getting like $130 worth of free food and drink because there steaks where apparently "way over cooked" They probably still ate them!

Anyways life is okay today. I'll take everyday as they come and embrace each hug and smile I receive from someone I love!
Later days Amabel

I went back to my doctor today to get a medical certificate for my last week off of work... which I apparently didn't have enough annual holiday to cover <thanks Stephen> She put me on a low dose of  Valium because I keep having anxiety attacks. She told me I had to book my appointment with a councilor today. So I did. I'm off to see doctor Helen on Wednesday. I hope that it works out. I know I will cry. It seems like all I want to do but I don't want to do it. I can't bring myself too. I'm really confused about it all
                                                                                                                                                              

                                                  I just want to understand!!!!!

Later days Amabel

It's the little things that make me remember... and then I cant help but feel so alone. I miss him so much. It rained today and I felt so empty. I stood outside in the rain for about ten minutes it must have been. I just wanted to feel something.
I just want him to be here.
I just want to be around him.
Billy gets me. Everything about me. Without saying anything. I suppose those are the perks of knowing someone from the moment you come into creation. I remember silly things like when we where about 5. They threw my pink power ranger down a storm drain and mom grounded us both to our room until we agreed on which one of his power rangers he had to give me. I remember that we had bunk beds but I cant remember who was on top.
Billy was so cool. I looked up to him so much. I always wanted him to think I was cool, cuz if he thought it then it had to be true. I remember insisting that Yoshi was my favorite character because I knew that it was Bills.
If this is how I felt about him. then how did he feel about me?
I don't know how you could have left knowing that I didn't need you. I never left you!  I'm scared now Billy. Brendan's got all these expectations for me to live up to. What if I don't? He'll leave eventually. He's the only thing keeping my heart from completely breaking. I can't stand loosing anyone else. I can't stand loosing you! Maybe that's why I forget so often. I'm trying to make it easier to be without you. I need to know it's going to be okay with out you here! Do I really want to live in a world that was so painful for you to do this?
I keep thinking that I should have baby. Create someone who I know will love me in maybe the same way you did. But how could I bring a child into the world that killed you. I just can't stand feeling so alone and so betrayed anymore! I don't know what to do to make it feel better.
Missing you eternally
Later days Amabel

Well live journal again ... my good old friend, it has been quite a while.

Brendan and I stayed at the penthouse at the Hotel last night. It was massive probably bigger than our apartment! We had a really great night too but I wont go into detail there. I did spend part of my night worried that my cleaner had locked my poor, sweet, innocent  Honey outside. She would have had post traumatic stress for months. Turns outs she was safe and sound inside though. Life is tough when you're a cute cat!

I bought a really cute pair of shoes from the Lifeline that my daddy works at on the weekend. They are blue and I was going to keep them for general use but I changed my mind today and I'm going to turn them into a really great pair of Lolita shoes. Rather than having to spend a couple hundred on buying some new and shipping them here. Yay for me!
I also bought a really great table and chairs second hand which I'm going to do up a little <just to match the apartment> Was cheap as chips. Am so happy about them. I don't have them here yet but I will next week.

I"m sure that there is plenty more to discuss but I have things to do wo0. Later days
L0ve L0ve Amabel